Even on my schleppy fashion days, like today, I can still pull it together. Not everyone in the Florescent Jungle is as up to date with the latest styles as yours truly. They could learn from me and avoid these common fashion flubs:
The Denim Storm. Stonewashed denim went out with the 1980s. So did wearing jeans with a jean jacket. In the Florescent Jungle, we are shocked and awed by the Denim Storm – stonewashed jean jacket, stonewashed jeans, a light blue t-shirt and denim Keds. Debbie Gibson called. She wants her outfit back.
Good Ole Muffin Top. Mid-drift tops are tacky. A shirt that exposes part of your stomach when you do so much as answer the phone isn’t flattering – it’s gross, regardless of your size. No one wants to see that – especially not when they’re sitting across from you eating lunch.
Poop Wash. Just as you should Just Say No to stonewashed jeans, you should also say no to the “poop wash” look. Poop wash jeans combine perfectly nice dark blue denim with a hint of brown to create the most awful shade of puce imaginable. If your friends tell you that your jeans remind them of fecal matter, you know you need a new look.
Did I Miss the Flood? It’s a fact of life that pants do sometimes shrink the wash. And it’s okay for socks to show a little when you’re sitting down. But if you’re standing up and your socks are completely exposed, you’ve got a case of high waters on your hands. Save those pants for the next time you’ve got six feet of flood water in your basement, not for the office.
Don’t Mock Me. I don’t understand the purpose of the mock turtleneck. Either you want a turtleneck or you don’t. Make a decision. If you’re going to wear a turtleneck, either commit all the way or don’t commit at all. (This also applies to Dickies)
The Michael Jackson Billie Jean Syndrome. Back in the early 1980s, Michael Jackson made it acceptable to wear white ankle socks with black shoes. Today, that look, like the King of Pop’s career, is dead. Always wear dark color socks with dark shoes and vice versa. Unless you’re wearing boots and then you can wear Halloween socks in March like I’ve been known do.
Underneath it All. Men, please, I beg you, wear an undershirt. Always. Even with t-shirts.
No Cargo. Cargo pants are great when you’re in the military, not when you’re in the office. And yet someone decided that cargo dress pants were a good idea. They’re not. If you need extra storage space, perhaps you should consider investing in a briefcase or man bag and leave the cargo pants to our soldiers.
Dressing for the Season. Yesterday I saw a woman wearing Capri pants. The calendar read November 1 and the thermometer read 53 degrees. No one wants hypothermia. So please, put the Capris, shorts and flip flops away and don’t look at them again until next spring. Your extremities will thank you.
Tapering Off. If you have a friend who still wears tapered pants, consider hosting an intervention like we did in the Florescent Jungle. The conversation went like this:
Bruce (the office metrosexual): “Thank you for wearing those tapered jeans. You just made my day.”
Steve: “What’s wrong with them? I found them at the bottom of the drawer.”
Bruce: “Did you have to point your toes to get them on?”
Steve: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Gary, what does the tag say on these things?
Gary: “Hmmm….baggy fit…tapered leg.”
Bruce: “They make you look like a lollipop, dude.”
Steve retired the tapered jeans and bought some new, straight leg jeans that very same day. Tough love for sure, but I think Steve would tell you that it’s made him a new, more stylish man.